Our Greatest Blindspot
The impact of the patriarchy
Let’s start with addressing how challenging it is to see ourselves clearly. It’s similar to how a camera can’t film itself. We can live in a blindspot for years until a result in our life makes it painfully clear that we’ve been missing something and even then we can still be in denial. Some of us reject a reality— not because it isn’t true — but because accepting it would create too much internal conflict. That is called cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is what happens when what is presented in our objective reality differs from a subjective belief. It’s challenging for most of us to get over our cognitive dissonance when it’s the basis of what we’ve constructed our reality around. The first step to overcoming cognitive dissonance is being willing to admit you might have actually been leaning on a confirmation bias.
Confirmation bias is when we search for evidence to confirm our subjective (and subconscious) belief, even if it’s not in relationship with reality. It’s how cognitive dissonance manages to become so ingrained and habitual. It’s fueled by the fact that being right (or self righteous) provides us with as much dopamine as hard drugs do. Similar to how so many of us are addicted to sex, drugs and social media, many of us are addicted to being right, even if we’re actually wrong.
We’ve been entrained to be one way but there is a much higher possibility available to us.
What we are living through on the world stage right now is the dysfunction caused by unconscious patriarchal programming. Donald Trump and his cronies are a prime example of cognitive dissonance like when we hear him talking and it doesn’t line up with the reality of what we see. It’s a symptom of a culture that has no rites of passage or prioritization of proper mentorship.
We have another generation that is getting its cues about how to be effective based on what it sees in the media rather than what actually works in the real world. For example, how prominent the consumption of porn is and how it distorts our relationship to sex or how we learn more about one sided history in schools than what it takes to have emotional intelligence. We are conditioned to think that being in control, being right and looking good is crucial to feeling whole, loved and happy.
The patriarchal programming about what it means to be a man got the best of me too. There I was, raising my voice with my then-wife and allowing that unconscious conditioning to take the wheel. What I was actually doing was allowing unprocessed and misdirected anger out. It was exactly the kind of adult tantrum I saw my father having around our house growing up. But now here I was, like an apple that hadn’t fallen far from that tree. At one point, I even growled at her because words weren’t enough to sum up the intensity of my anger.
What triggered me had actually happened months ago, but because I had been so conditioned to suppress my feelings, it was only coming out now. My anger was like a beach ball that I had been pushing as far down into the ocean as possible, but now it was finally slipping through my hands and popping out. I snapped and growled like an animal because I hadn’t honored my humanity in the midst of all that denial and conformity. Meanwhile, the truth is I was really mad at myself for going through with a marriage that didn’t actually feel fully aligned, and it was my patriarchal programming that didn’t want to admit that.
Instead of humbling myself and confessing that I wasn’t in love, I held onto the relationship out of fear about how that could impact my reputation. I contorted and compromised myself so thoroughly in order to stay in the relationship that I abandoned myself completely in the process. I experienced just how deeply my patriarchal programming could drive me. I was more interested in keeping up the semblance of control than being willing to dismantle an unfulfilling relationship. It’s clear to me now that the healthy feminine can handle the chaos of feelings that needs to be felt and the uncertainty of what may come with it while the unhealthy masculine would rather have it all “under control.”
My toxic masculinity was more concerned with how I would be perceived after the breakup than with how it felt for both of us as I was living that lie. It actually took an ayahuasca ceremony to start the process of unraveling from that blind spot and coming to terms with needing a divorce. And they say the truth will set you free, but first it required me to fall on that sword by admitting where I was wrong. This moment was asking me to redefine strength to include being vulnerable and having compassion for it all in the process.
This is where a true training for self mastery made the difference. I leaned into a community of men who helped me process my pain so it won’t spill out unconsciously onto the people I love the most again. This process called men’s work helped me remember my wholeness and I’ve been experiencing a life beyond the patriarchy ever since. I completed the training I started years ago to be able to facilitate that kind of transformation for others and now I truly believe it’s possible for curious and coachable men to unwind from all that conditioning.
This is why I’m excited to start gathering some of my favorite men in Amsterdam. We need safe spaces for men who want to transform their pain and patterns into real power and presence. Men who want to transform their critical and competitive tendencies into more curiosity and camaraderie. Men who are committed to being a clear mirror for each other and ultimately caring enough to hold each other to a higher standard. Men who want to explore a more authentic experience of masculinity so that they can be more aligned and effective in every area of their life.
Men’s work helped me navigate a very challenging breakup and ultimately live into the most fulfilling chapter of my life so far. Having a dedicated mastermind of men helped me come back to my truth and move forward as a new man. So after facilitating hundreds of people through deep transformations in all sorts of leadership trainings, sound meditations and psychedelic journeys, it’s time to come back to my roots in men’s work and make sure other men have that kind of brotherhood too.